So I guess as with any addiction it’s not just about the drug. It’s about the routine too. The ritual. It’s not that I just want the cigarette. I wanna head outside and get some fresh air before I get a bunch of Smokey air.
Hmm…”Smokey” was auto-capitalized. Fuckin Big Forest Fire Prevention
If you’re a chronic masturbator you don’t just love the climax. You love the process of finding a private (or not so private, depending on what you need to pop) place and choosing what to fantasize about. The routine. The ritual.
So it stands to reason that in my resolve to not communicate with anyone through my phone, I still find myself mindlessly picking up my phone. For no reason other than because it’s part of the habit.
I’m an addict. My drug is the three little dots. The “they’re typing” ellipses. I use messaging like people use meth. Habitually and to the detriment of my mental and physical health.
This isn’t a massive revelation I don’t think. This is the kind of thing that people understand is a real thing. A real problem. In 2004 this would’ve been a horrendously acted after school special. “A Desperate Message: The Steve Ganyo Story”.
But now I think it’s just a thing. And I’m in no way trying to pass the buck on it. Like oh well, I have an addiction. Not my fault.”
First of all, there is no fault. I’m just me. But I do take responsibility for it for my own well being. I’ve seen how my attention to my phone affects my general mindset. It’s negatively.
I don’t care how often you wanna be on your phone. This is about me and you’re a selfish asshole for making it about you.
I’m on way too many platforms for connecting with people.
Of course there’s your basic texting, for when you wanna role play like it’s 2006. Pssh.
Facebook Messenger, I can see the second you see my message and see if you’re replying (oh god those sweet typing dots!!!) and the best one, when you’re active on the app! Which is totally sketch because I’ve had people tell me I was on messenger all morning and I’m like well I remember sleeping….I got up to pee at 8:35….then sleeping again….woke up and J/O’d (not chronically-totally healthy)….back to sleep…Got up for breakfast at 12:45. I’m just not sure when I was on messenger in there. 🤔
Twitter, I can see when you read my message. Or, at least when you see it. Because did you get a chance to read it when you opened it or did you open it, get distracted so you couldn’t read it and THAT’S why you haven’t responded?! And you’ll read it soon and respond when you do because I apparently am I person who thinks your entire day changes and becomes about me and my little message that you have to be desperate to read and respond to or it’s clearly a referendum on how you feel about me!!!!!!
Jeez, can you imagine? I’ve never thought that way. That’s CRAZY! And that’s insulting to actual insane people.
Sometimes I like to think one day enough people will read this that I’ll get called out for using a word like crazy In that way. I’ll definitely take that trade off.
Snapchat, I think we all know about Snapchat. Sadly I’m not getting a bunch of nudes. Nudes are fun but that’s not my addiction. Just more talking and being able to see when people are on there too. I have a friend who’s worse with this stuff than I am and she has told me that if you have your location on or whatever, people can see where you go. Like, know where you are. Always. And she uses it on this dude she’s obsessed with. And she knows it’s unhealthy but she does it anyway. She’s compelled to. Hey, no judgment here. I’ve never gone quite tat far but my dependence runs pretty deep too.
When I realize I’m lost in my addiction and need to stop, it’s only after I stop that I realize how much I need to stop. Because once I’ve made the decision my mind immediately asks, “Well then what now?”
I think that’s everything, right? If you decide you’re not gonna do one thing that you often do and you immediately don’t know what to do with yourself, you probably do that one thing a bit too much. Balance is important.
So it was earlier this afternoon, Tuesday the 26th of November in the year of your lord two thousand and nineteen, that I decided it was time for a break. A serious break. A good old fashioned black out. NO communication with ANYONE! From now until…..through the weekend! Through Sunday!
It’s thanksgiving week for most of you. For me it’s kind of just another week. It’s a long story that I’m not here to tell now but I will say that due to the sweeping change I’ve experienced my holiday season is going to be…well I guess I don’t know if it’s going to be.
Thanksgiving, and I’m counting Thursday through the weekend here, will consist of me and my dad here at the house as always. Nobody’s visiting. I have no problem with that in theory. Mostly I’m talking about my brother and sister and everybody needs to do what they need to do for themselves so that’s okay. But not having that company and that holiday vibe is a bummer.
I’m certain my dad doesn’t care, and that’s okay too. He’s just who he is. If I don’t say anything, he won’t think to do any thanksgiving-type stuff. I don’t wanna cook a god damned turkey or anything but you can get one if those already made jobbers. I think you can get a whole thanksgiving turkey dinner spread all in one shot at the grocery store. I don’t even care about that.
If it was up to me, I’d maybe make one or both of the two things I know how to make, buy a couple pies – pumpkin and pecan – and like 8 tubs of cool whip. And some ice cream. And I’d make some stuff and we’d watch football and if I want to I could make that holiday vibe happen.
I honestly don’t know if I want to. The joy I get from something like that is in sharing it and there’s only one person to share it with and he’s generally indifferent. I could find thanksgiving movies and tv show episodes to watch between football and I think that would be cool but he wouldn’t really care.
You know what? That’s kinda bullshit. I say kinda because none of it is exactly untrue, but none of it is reality. The reality is I could do all of those things and make it fuckin merry af but I don’t fuckin want to because I never miss an opportunity to rage against what seems to be my father going gently into that good night.
He’s perfectly healthy, mind you. Well, he’s relatively healthy. He’s fine. Motherfucker’s 76, it is what it is physically but mentally….I don’t even mean memory loss and all that. That’s there some, sure, but I’m talking about his general disinterest in doing….anything. Except two things. If splitting wood in the yard and watching reruns of the same 4 shows over and over again were what you did on thanksgiving, this would be the best year ever.
I don’t mean to be condescending. He’s actually open to a lot more than I think he gets credit for. I think he’s just been doing the same things every day for years now and I don’t begrudge him that but I wonder what he could get out of experiencing new things. Anything.
Some days I have the spirit of wanting to be someone who helps him experience something new and it’s something I enjoy and it’s great. And some days I’m like, “HEY! I’M NOT YOUR CARETAKER! YET! YOU’RE NOT BROKEN! YOU DO SOMETHING! YOU MAKE THANKSGIVING HAPPEN!”
It’s childish. I don’t share that because it makes me look awesome. I’m just okay admitting that I feel this way. So I guess if I’m going to come around and decide to do some thanksgiving shit it’ll just about hafta be tomorrow. I kinda don’t intend to be in a store on Thanksgiving. So we’ll see.
Wow. This is perfect.
So what have I been doing since three o’clock when I made this decision to not communicate with anyone on my phone? I think the first thing I did was get stoned and work on a puzzle. Seriously, if you ever need to just zone out and not think, get stoned and work on a puzzle. It’s absorbing. And to pull it back a little further, if you’re ever feeling lost or alone or just over it, get stoned. Really. I can’t think of better advice. Otherwise I did some reading, meditated for 15 minutes and just generally enjoyed relaxing.
And every time I think of something I want to express I come here and express it to myself. It’s very helpful to get it out. If I have a buildup of thoughts and ideas I’ll start wanting to express them to someone which will make this more difficult. So I just get em out here and move on. It’s freeing.
I have every hour from 3 pm today through 11:59 Sunday night actually listed out in my notes so that I can go along and mark off every hour that I make it without checking messages.
I feel like someone might not understand how serious I am about this and how unhealthy my attachment to that communication is so it might seem ridiculous or like I’m joking. Going hour by hour just trying to not text anyone? What’s the big deal? I don’t know, it just is a big deal. I get lost in other people and by the time I see it I’ve been existing only to bounce off other people for days and I’m not at my best when it’s like that. Not at my best for me or for others.
So it’s 10:52 pm. Almost officially done with this first day. Half day. Still, to get to sleep and get to tomorrow is meaningful. I feel very good about this.
Backtothegarden00's Blog 