7:07 a.m.
Two and a half days of isolation. Even aside from feeling like I have to do this to check my dependence on others, two and a half days is weird. Like, when was the last time you went two and a half days without communicating to anyone outside of the old man you live with?
12:22 p.m.
Well I’m definitely going to decorate for Christmas. I just got done bringing everything in from storage.
Listen, I know I’m not always going to come off as a hero here. That’s part of the point. I’m just me. I’m great and sometimes I’m not great and I continue to try to be great more often. In the meantime I’m not afraid to expose myself when I’m not my best because I think it will help me learn how to be my best.
So as I’ve said, this holiday season is going to be a whole lot of brand new because everything is different. Yesterday, Thanksgiving, worked out pretty good because I did my best to roll with the changes and accept the new normal.
I’m going to continue do my best but I have to say, Christmas is a different animal. Thanksgiving, for me, has been at most about Wednesday night into Thursday. Christmas, for me, is about the next four weeks. I was able to make do with my roommate not even realizing it was Thanksgiving until I put the parade on because “it’s just Thanksgiving. It’s just one day.”
I know there are a lot of people that go way harder than I do for Christmas, but I go pretty hard. I wanna watch Christmas movies and tv shows every day. I want Christmas music every day. It’s going to take me at least a couple days to decorate. I want Christmas cookies. I want egg nog. I want it all, but most of all I want to share it with others. Except for the one, maybe two weekends between now and January that my brother and sister will be here with their kids, I’ll be sharing it with just one person.
It’s funny how this has become less about me dealing with my dependency and more about my roommate.
I love my dad. Of course suddenly living with him nearly every day for the last six months has affected how I feel about him and how I see him. Sometimes in a positive way,m and sometimes less so. That’s everybody. He’s say the same about living with me.
I just don’t know how this is gonna shake out because I’m already being tested. I know this man so I know that he’s not going to actively participate in decorating. And he shouldn’t because I’m amazing at it so I should do it all. I don’t have any expectations at all. I don’t think he cares. At all. And that’s what I’m struggling with. If I’m not sharing this joy I have for Christmas with anyone, will the joy be there?
I just brought about 8 storage bins worth of Christmas stuff inside. He sat there, 5 feet from where I put everything, reading his book and not saying a word. No comment. Nnnnothing. Maybe I do have some expectation because I would’ve thought that would be cause for at least a “Oh it’s that time” or something. Anything. But nothing. Again, I’m not asking for anything. I don’t expect anything. I have to be me and he has to be him. I just don’t know what that means for Christmas this year. The fate of the holiday hangs in the balance!!!
And of course all of this is happening at a time when I can’t reach out to anyone for backup and support! I mean I could but I’m not going to. Not until Monday. I’m sticking to it and I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn how to do this myself. But damn!
I should be stoned for this
2:38 p.m.
I started unpacking everything. Testing lights. Checking batteries. Just trying to figure out where everything goes. Or can go. Decorating can be okay but it is ultimately work. The end result is obviously the payoff and it’s always worth it. I’m just trying to remember that.
This is easily the hardest it’s been to not be able to talk to anyone. Like, to the point where it’s detrimental to my well being. Okay, that sounds a little more dramatic than it is. Haha But really, this sucks. And I’m going to see it through until Monday in spite of that because I’m kind of interested to see what I do. How I respond.
I’m okay right now actually. But I feel that slipping. I might have to just smoke pot and get under the blankets in bed and just hibernate. I don’t feel comfortable and nothing else sounds as good as that.
Okay the old man just took the remote. Let’s see what he chooses.
As he eats. And I listen.
What will he choose?
How loud will he chews?
NCIS!!!!
Bedroom here I come!!!!
Why is it so difficult to just do what I want? I can feel people, and it’s probably YOU, judging and pointing your little fingers. “Why don’t you DO something? You’re just gonna smoke pot and lay in bed? What a waste of time.” Is that just my perception? Am I projecting? Does it matter? I don’t care. This is what I wanna be doing right now and I’m gonna do it until I don’t want to anymore. Jesus I’m not comfortable sharing these little self-affirmation moments. I sound like such a squeaf but whatever. I’m counting on nobody reading this because I’m not posting it anywhere outside of WordPress.
8:22 p.m.
The whole not talking to anyone thing has kind of come full circle. Right away when I started this I was very specifically focused on not communicating with anyone. It’s so natural for me to do so it took a focused effort to get it out of my head.
Then for a couple days I was genuinely just enjoying doing things that I want to do more but don’t because I get caught up in other people. It felt great and it’s been a lot of fun.
As I come to the end of three and a half days and I’ve experienced the Thanksgiving stuff and I’m moving into the “who knows what this is even gonna be like” Christmas experience, I’ve returned to being very focused on not reaching out to anyone. It would just feel good right now.
This could prove to be a very valuable lesson. Like I said, this is an addiction. One of the main things an addiction is an addiction is because you do it compulsively. Alcoholics can’t really just have a few. Meth addicts can’t really just do it for a weekend every few months. You have to find a way to just stop. For good. Otherwise it always owns you.
So what am I supposed to do? This week is proving to be full of lessons I can take away from it and that’s great but what will it prove? I can’t stop talking to people forever. I mean I could. People have, I suppose. A person could just drop out and leave everything behind. Have no relationships beyond co-worker, if one must work at all. It has a certain appeal.
But that’s not what I want. I think I have too much to offer to just drop out.
Or do I? What if that’s short sighted? What if I’m just doing what we all do, reverting back to what society says I should do when the going gets tough because there’s safety and comfort there? What if the best thing for me is to live this way always? If this is really an addiction like I believe, how do I beat it if I don’t completely stop the compulsive behavior? How can I ever be truly past this vice if I still indulge in it just by having relationships? If the drinker can’t drink and the user can’t use, how can a compulsive communicator communicate?
If I end up just white knuckling it to 12:01 Monday morning and immediately jumping back in and texting everyone I know, what have I even proved here? That I can not do something for nearly 6 days? You know who could easily not do something, anything, for six days? Anyone. Anyone who’s not an addict.
That’s why I’m saying I’m not going to stick this out through Sunday to prove a point, because it won’t prove anything. But I can study myself and see how I feel and how I react. I could definitely use some practice in being grateful for what I have instead of wishing for what I don’t have.
One benefit already? I have never been more in love with the people I’m close to and want to talk to. Clichés are clichés for a reason. They’re always true. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
When you talk to someone on a very regular basis you will absolutely start finding things that annoy you. No matter how much you love someone, that kind of exposure to anything is too much. But you miss it when it goes away completely. Which means the well being is in finding balance. That’s what I’m looking for. I dont wanna be a hermit. Although now that I’m thinking about it….but no I really don’t. But I also don’t just want to wake up in 2 weeks and find that I’m right back where I was on Tuesday. Right back to dependence on others to be happy. I will find that balance.
10:33 p.m.
I love crosswords. There’s one person in particular I’m missing. She gave me this crossword book for Christmas last year. I just learned something about Roman tragedy thanks to her. 🙂
Backtothegarden00's Blog 